A Home-cooked Valentines

I have just learnt that my oyster guy has packed up shop after sustained pressure from the clam cartel. My imported Belgian chocolates did not make it through customs due to trace amounts of cocaine in the praline. And after the strawberry debacle of 2010, we won't be going down the fresh fruit-dipped-in-stuff route again. So, this year I will be cooking an alternative Valentine's Day dinner for me and the missus. Steak, asparagus and garlic potato gratin. Now that's a sexy dish.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. Eoin, what type of steak is best for Valentine's Day? Well, in my opinion rump steak is the sexiest cut. Not because of its taste or texture but simply because it has the word rump in it. In much the same way the chicken breast is by far the most sensual piece of poultry.

To cook your steak, pre-heat the oven to 400 C and melt some butter in a sauce pan. Sear your steak on a hot pan for about 30 seconds on each side (don't forget the corners) and then transfer your steak to the oven for ten minutes after pouring the melted butter over it. Turn the steak half way through the cooking time. When the ten minutes are up, take the steak out and replace in the pan for a few more minutes of cooking depending how well you like your meat cooked.

Here's something else you might be thinking. Why asparagus, I've heard of some quite unsexy side effects to eating asparagus? Wrong. Asparagus is extremely sexy. The phallic symbolism of this humble vegetable has been used for centuries to lure innocent young women down a more lurid path. In fact, it's even being hinted that the infamous side effect now associated with asparagus might have been biologically engineered by the clergy in an attempt to stifle the vegetables incredible success as an aphrodisiac. Just remember to snap the ends of the asparagus before cooking.

I like to cook asparagus in a griddle pan, with just a little bit of olive oil. Use a high heat and keep moving the stalks around so that all sides get an even cooking. After about seven minutes the asparagus should be cooked through but I prefer to leave them on a bit longer till the outer layer of the asparagus gets a little bit charred. You can serve with a sauce if you like but I usually just season with pepper and sea salt to amplify the vegetables natural flavour.

And finally, the garlic potato gratin. By now I'm sure you've realised that your initial assumption that garlic is not sexy was wrong. And you're right, it was wrong. Garlic is one of the staple ingredients in French cuisine and it is this association with France and Frenchness that makes it undeniably sexy. Let us not forget that the French invented romance, not to mention the French language. Not only are the French incredibly romantic but they're romantic in French. Ergo, if the French eat garlic, then it's damn-well sexy.

For the gratin, thinly slice up some potatoes and layer in a baking tray. Crush then thinly chop some garlic and sprinkle over the potato slices with a dash of olive oil. Put in the oven at 400 C to bake for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, take out the tray and add your sauce. I like to use mushroom soup as sauce but you can choose whatever soup you like. If you do use mushroom soup it's easy to make. Just chop up an onion and sweat it, add the mushrooms, add some vegetable stock, add some cream, season then blend. Cook your gratin for another 30 minutes and then serve.

And there you have it. A Valentine's Day dinner away from all the tawdry clichés. Not only are all the ingredients sexy as hell but it will also show off your prowess in the kitchen, which will make it doubly sexy. So put on your "kiss the chef" apron and get cooking.

Tips:

• If you want to show off your cooking prowess even more then a bowl of homemade onion soup will really demonstrate your sexy technique.
• If she asks "What's for dessert?" do not produce a dessert you idiot.
• Keep the wine cooling in a different room from the dinner table. This will give you the perfect excuse for frequent trips to the mouthwash cabinet.